


Loving You Is A Losing Game

by pagingevilspawn



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alterante Universe, F/M, Grey's Anatomy - Freeform, I Watched Too Much Grey's Anatomy, Third Year, affair, jo and alex karev, jo wilson and alex karev, jolex, jolex fanfic, jolex fanfiction, jolex fic, med school, screw 16 x 16, this is super bad but i dont really care
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27539944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pagingevilspawn/pseuds/pagingevilspawn
Summary: oh, what a shame it is, to meet the love of your life at the wrong time.
Relationships: Alex Karev & Jo Wilson Karev, Alex Karev/Jo Wilson Karev
Comments: 23
Kudos: 43





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT:  
> since i deleted the intro thing here are the warnings: language, minor sexual content, domestics abuse, and adultery. this is a book about an affair. i am in no way trying to romanticize adultery, i just thought it would make for a good plot. if reading about this makes you uncomfortable, then i suggest that this wouldn't be the greatest book for you.
> 
> aside from that, i hope you all enjoy Loving You Is A Losing Game!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was only supposed to be a one time thing. They didn't know it was going to lead to so much more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter one is here! and just a heads up, it's all purposefully in lower case

**_~*~_ **

**_"a broken heart is all that's left"_ **

**_~*~_ **

the sun beat down through the room's window, a gentle hue settling on the white curtains. the sun shone on two people in a bed, holding onto each other so tightly, so securely, but yet somehow, so passionately, like they had been doing it for so many years. it looked like a habit, the man's hands wrapped around the woman's middle as her head was buried deeply into somewhere between the man's bare chest and neck. his nose was nuzzled into the girl's dark brown locks as they slept. away were the worry lines caused from overwhelming stress, and instead was replaced by the smallest hint of a smile on both person's lips, so tiny, barely there, but it was as if they knew that just by holding one another, everything was going to be okay.

she wasn't quite sure what time it was. all she knew was that the sun far past what is considered to be it's rising point. it beat down on her skin, a golden glow reflecting on her olive tan. she was currently in the state of being asleep yet awake at the same time. she knew things were going on around her, but she was much too tired to actually open her eyes and face the day.

all she was really able to focus on was the comfort of her pillow. she snuggled in closer to it, inhaling the scent unconsciously, a mix of mint and aftershave, different than what she remembered, but she was liking this smell so much more.

she took these special moments and them close to her, she knew by now her 'pillow' was really just her husband. it had been a long while since he'd held her so closely like he currently was. the sun's rays were much too bright now, she could tell even from facing away. it was too late to fall back asleep. she tries to pry her tired eyes open, but is mostly unsuccessful, since she wasn't sure if she was still awake or just in a dream.

once she knew she was on the more conscious side of things, she lets her ears wander, listening to the sounds of her room. the birds chirping softly outside, the quiet snores coming from her husband.

she gains the feeling of touch back, noticing then how her skin felt hot. an arm was wrapped around her center, and another was on her shoulder. she decided she didn't want to open her eyes just yet, she didn't want to ruin the moment. she forgot what it felt like to be held in his arms so securely.

as she buries her nose in his neck something feels different.

actually, _everything_ feels different.

the smell of old spice and men's cologne wasn't present, but the new smell of mint and aftershave, the one from earlier. the arm around her midsection was muscular, much more built than she remembered it to be. and the chest she currently had her palm on, this was not the same chest she was used to. this chest didn't have any hair on it, last time she checked her husband still had the neatly trimmed hair on his chest. on this chest, she could feel the muscles pulsing as he breathed in and out, something she wasn't used to. the chest she knew was strong and muscular, but not like this. 

it was then she decided it was time to open her eyes. she expected to be met with the face of her husband, but no, oh no. this man, this man was most certainly _not_ her husband.

this man's jawline was sharper, had a five-o'clock shadow rather than a full stubble, shorter hair that was a shade darker than the color she was used to, and this man's lips were a bit more full and red.

she felt her eyes grow wide as she took in the situation. she realized she didn't have any clothes on other than her underwear, so did the man. she quickly wiggles out of the guy's strong hold, trying to grasp what the hell happened.

her eyes dart around the room, not noticing that the man was starting to shift towards consciousness as well.

clothes.

they were everywhere.

her black lacy bra was hanging loosely from a lamp on the nightstand. her dress that she briefly remembers putting on the night before is in a puddle by the foot of the bed. the man's shirt was strewn across a chair in the coroner, and a pair of nice black jeans was curled up on the floor.

she swallows the lump in her throat, trying to grasp the situation.

she had sex with a man who wasn't her husband. she woke up next to a man who wasn't her husband. she had enjoyed being in the arms of someone who wasn't her husband.

"what the fuck?" a deep voice asks from behind her, she lets out a small squeal, turning around and covering her bare chest in the process, ignoring the pounding headache she had, it was the absolute least of her concerns.

she starts pacing around the room, grabbing a robe from a closet and finally meeting the eye of the man, who looks just as shocked as she did.

the man gazes around the room, taking in its current state. he knew something was different this morning, but he just blamed it on having slept so well.

the hair he smelled that morning was like vanilla, not coconut, but he insisted it was just a change of shampoo. the body he was holding was much smaller and daintier, a large comparison to the tall figure of his wife.

"shit." he breathes out.

_his wife._

"shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." he curses, running his hand through his hair.

he looks up from his wedding band, only to meet the face of a woman, an attractive woman. long brown hair in curly ringlets and golden brown eyes. her pupils are wide as she paces the room, fiddling with the wedding band set on her finger.

she throws her head back unexpectedly, bringing a hand to her mouth "i'm a dirty adulteress whore!" she lets out all of sudden, her eyes getting a bit wet.

she bites her bottom lip, much like he was doing right now, "oh god." she mumbles to herself. the brunette begins her pacing again, "he's gonna be so mad, oh god, he's gonna be so mad." she says quietly to herself, so quietly that the man doesn't hear her.

the male on the bed sat still, not quite processing the information that was flowing through his brain. he cheated on his wife. he _fucking_ cheated on his _wife_.

god, he was so stupid, he told himself he had changed, he told himself he was a better man. he thought he was a better man. he thought he had put his cheating days behind him, but that seems to not be the case.

and the worst part? he couldn't even think of this girl's name. the woman unexpectedly sits down beside him, a look of pure disbelief present on both of their faces. his mouth opens and closes a few times, the words he wanted to say not being able to come out.

the woman finally speaks up, her tone of voice only really able to be described as bewildered. "i just cheated on my husband."

the man nods, "i just cheated on my wife."

after a few beats of silence the girl bursts into loud fits of laughter, making his head pound harder than it was before, but ignores it, much like he assumed she was doing.

he looks to the girl with eyebrows raised. was this chick mental? she was laughing about the fact that they were both cheaters?

well, he did kind of know, he could assume she was laughing instead of crying. but he still thought she might be crazy. 

but for some reason, he couldn't help but laugh along side her. her laugh was infectious, and it sent tingles all through his body. before they knew it, the two were bent over laughing, tears coming out of their eyes.

why were they laughing? they both had no idea. laughing was prolonging the crying session, sure. but it really did no good other than make their heads hurt worse. all they knew was that the sound's of each other's laughs made them giggle more. it was pretty messed up, the fact that they were laughing over the fact that they were dirty, dirty cheaters. it was wrong, but for some reason, they couldn't stop.

the two chuckled for a few minutes more, wiping at the wetness in their eyes once their giggles died down. they were left in an uncomfortable silence, refusing to meet each other's gaze. a large switch from their situation just seconds before. they should leave the room, they _knew_ that. they knew that they should walk out that dark brown door and never look back, pretend last night had never happened. they knew they should. but for some reason they both stayed put.

it was like a magnet was pulling them together. they'd never felt like this before. they were sitting side by side, not touching, yet it seemed just being around each other set their skin on fire.

the man lets out a breath through his pursed lips, trying to think of something to say. "i'm alex." he settles on, eyes flitting to look over at the girl.

the woman bobs her head up and down. "brooke."

"i feel like crap." brooke speaks up after a few beats of heavy silence, turning the wedding set on her ring finger. she felt dirty. really dirty. she had just broken a vow, a promise. the one to be loyal to her spouse.

she drums her lips and runs a hand through her hair, finally submitting the pounding headache she had. she hisses, squeezing her eyes shut as she finally becomes more and more aware of her senses.

alex was one in the same. he could tell that the room smelled of alcohol, though there were no bottles present. he had a massive hangover, and the sun was shining way too brightly. with that thought he gets up from the massive bed -not without having to steady himself first- walks over to the curtains and snaps the white fabric shut. alex walks back over to the bed wordlessly, sitting down in the spot he occupied before, an awkward silence taking over them.

they didn't know what to say. there was so much, but neither could decide what there was to discuss first. sorry? no, they both obviously enjoyed it last night, based on the scratch marks he had on his back and the hickey's she had all over her body. but they should say sorry right? but what were they sorry for? cheating on their partners? definitely, but what good would come out of telling each other that and not their spouses? none. were they sorry that they cheated and enjoyed it, even if neither could remember it? were they sorry for the fact that they had done it? were they sorry that they had a role in the act of adultery? an apology to the other would be useless.

but for some reason, the silence hanging over them- albeit awkward- was comforting in a way. there was a level of understanding between the two, whether it be for the whole cheating thing, or for something else, they didn't know. all they did know was that it was there.

brooke suddenly begins to feel nauseous, the events of last night and the guilt finally catching up to her. she makes a mad dash for the bathroom and can barely make it to the toilet before she's puking her guts out.

after a few heaves she feels her hair being pulled back from her face, making her jump the slightest bit, but ultimately rests and begins to spill the contents of her stomach once more.

alex collects the brunette's hair in his hand as he tentatively rubs a hand on her back, watching as her body jerks from leaning over the bowl again and again. he felt bad, is all he could really say. he had no idea why he was holding a woman he didn't knows hair as she got rid of what seemed to be half of her body weight, other than the fact that he felt bad. he felt he owed it to this girl, to do the least bit of a kind thing.

the guilt of cheating on izzie was huge, but combined with the fact that he also helped this girl cheat on her husband only seemed to add gas to the flame.

after a few minutes of brooke puking her guts out she flushes the toilet and leans down against the cold tile of the bathroom floor, making alex let go of her hair as it sprawls out all around her like a fan. she bites her bottom lip, not having the energy quite yet to sit up and rinse out her mouth with water. she swallows the large lump in her throat, trying to keep the tears in her eye at bay. "i've only been married for three months."

the man nods, licking his lips as he lets out a sigh, running a hand through his short hair. "i've only been married for two."

god, he felt like shit. he felt like complete and utter shit. he thought he was past it, the cheating and not being loyal. but here he was, in boston, waking up next to a woman he didn't know. he cheated on his wife. his wife who was just starting to get better. the wife who had cancer, the wife who had just lost her best friend not even a month and a half ago. and to repay her, he goes ahead and cheats on her? he feels worthless, stupid. like he was the little seven year old fat kid who was getting yelled at by his dad for being a waste of space.

"fuck." he groans, burying his head in his hands.

brooke nods, she felt it too. sure, paul had been acting a bit different lately, more possessive, more controlling, but it was only because he loved her. that was no reason to go and cheat on him. he gave her everything, a nice house, nice clothes, a large meal on the diner table every night. and this is how she repays him? cheating on him while at a medical conference, too drunk to even remember it? she was a horrible wife.

"yeah. fuck." 


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter two is up! hope you guys have had a great thanksgiving (or just normal thursday) and i hope you enjoy this update! if there's any confusion, this stroy starts after 5x24, but before the merger.

**_~*~_ **

**_"i'm still fixing all the cracks"_ **

**_~*~_ **

_"yeah. fuck."_

**____**

the two sit in silence for god know how long. now matter how many times they go over it in their minds, it's still unbelievable to them, they cheated on their spouses. who the hell does that? who simply decides that who they married wasn't worth it and screws the first person they find attractive once they're alone? horrible people, that's who, and that's what they felt like right now. horrible freaking people.

at this point they weren't even sure why they were still in the room together. maybe it was the fact that they could dwell in their acts of adultery together, maybe they just found the presence of the other just enough to fill the void of loneliness that had never seemed to leave them, no matter what they did or who they were with. all they knew was that simply sitting there, on the cold tile floor multiple feet apart, made what they did a little more bearable for themselves, seeing the other look just as miserable about it as they did.

"we're horrible people." brooke mutters, mustering up the courage to sit and stand up groggily from her fetal position on the floor. she turns on the faucet and ducks her head under it, collecting the water in her mouth before swishing it around and then spitting it into the sink, leaving her mouth to feel much better than it did before, thanks to the fact that remnants of beer and tequila no longer seemed to coat the roof of her tongue and mouth. 

"yeah, we are." alex agrees. it was the first time the girl had truly listened to him speak, and he had a deep voice, a bit of a gruffness behind it, but that might just be because of the hangover. she takes a good look at the guy, since she didn't have the opportunity to earlier.

he only had on a pair of boxers before he entered the bathroom and was currently the same now, but other than that he was completely bare. he was well built with a six pack and nice arm muscles. his eyes were a dark brown with a hint of green, and he had a sharp jawline. his hair was cut short, and he had a barely-there stubble on his face. a shiny gold wedding band sat on his left ring finger, which he fiddled with unconsciously.

brooke opens and closes her mouth a few times, nothing seeming to come out for a good minute. "did- did we think that we were our partners? maybe?" she suggests lamely, not missing the way the guy she now knew as alex scanned over her briefly.

"definitely not." he mutters, huffing out a breath as he leans back against the wall, one knee to his chest as the other lays straight out in front of him. "my wife is tall, blonde, and has dark brown eyes. you're like... the complete opposite of her."

"sounds like a model." brooke mumbles, a small smile on her face, attempting to crack a joke to ease the situation. oh who the fuck was she kidding? there was no way to ease this situation.

"she was. in med school, i mean. did a bunch of bethany whisper stuff." alex shrugs, missing the way the girl's jaw practically drops.

"damn." she mutters. she looks at alex a bit more, squinting her eyes at him, which doesn't go unnoticed by the man.

he turns and looks sharply at her, "what?" he gruffs out, trying his best to intimidate the younger woman, but to his surprise she doesn't even flinch. it was like she was used to sudden behavior changes.

brooke lips her lips, trying her best to form her thoughts as complete sentences. "you don't even really, i mean- you don't look like my husband... you just- look like my type." she settles on.

alex smirks the slightest bit, "your type?" he teases lightly, making fun of the way she sounded a bit like a middle school girl gossiping about the new boy in the english class.

she glares at him, "shut up."

she wasn't lying though, the man was her type. and by her type she meant dark hair and dark eyes. but she supposed that also meant over half of the male population, so she wouldn't consider him all that special.

alex chuckles softly, not trying to make his headache any worse than it was. he peers through the bathroom doorway, glancing at the clock on the hotel's nightstand, doing a double take after he turns around for a second time, hoping he was just seeing things wrong.

"shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." he curses out, abruptly standing up from his place on the floor, pulling brooke up with him. she lets out a groan in protest at the quick moment, but ultimately makes her way back into the room.

alex starts shoving on his jeans, looking at brooke as he does so. "you're here for the pre-med conference right?" he asks, making her nod.

"well, so am i, and my mentor needs me to help her with her speech and all that crap at nine thirty, and right now it's nine eighteen. and she goes on at nine forty-five" he says, making her nod. she still didn't quite get why that involved her though.

noticing her confusion he speaks up, "my mentor is arizona robbins." he says simply, making the girl go wide eyed.

"holy shit." she whispers. no way in hell would she wouldn't go to a lecture by _the_ arizona robbins, who was practically a pediatric surgeon god. 

alex nods, "yeah, and i'm guessing you don't want to miss that." he states, making the girl bob her head up and down.

"y-yeah, thank you." she stutters out, going to her suitcase and quickly grabbing an outfit while she internally thanks the universe that they ended up back in her room at the end of the night and not his.

she hears the door to the hotel room open and him start to leave, before the footsteps stop, causing her to turn around. "i just want to say..." he trails off, ignoring his internal arguments from earlier, "i'm sorry. i'm really sorry, and if this is making you feel even half as guilty as i am... then i'm even more sorry." he says sympathetically, not missing the way her eyes fill with tears.

"don't be." she whispers, watching as the man nods and shuts the door behind him.

it was then she started to let the tears fall.

god, guilty.

that's all she was able to feel.

she felt guilty that she cheated on her husband. she felt guilty that she helped the man cheat on his wife. she felt guilty that she found the man she cheated with attractive. she felt guilty that alex apologized for what happened as if it was his fault. because it was her fault right? that's what paul would say.

he would say that it was her fault, which... it made sense that it was right? right. because that's what paul would say. she learned not to question him over the past year, the look in his eyes that he got when she would say something 'wrong' was a bit scary to her, but she shrugged it off every time, since the little flame always disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

but the guilt. oh, it was horrible. it was coursing through her veins like a rapid river, having no sense of direction as it splashed inside of brooke, coating her skin and organs in its treacherous layer of pain.

who knew feeling guilty could be so painful? she didn't. she had no idea what to do. was she supposed to tell paul? to tell her husband that she broke their sacred vows after only being married for three months? she loved him, oh, she loved him so much. he was so charming and sweet and looked at her like she was a beautiful rose, blooming fresh out of the ground. how was she supposed to let the man she loved know that she cheated? gone would be the way he looked at her like the reddest rose in the garden, and instead he would look at her like she had just told him that his father had died. no, she couldn't do that.

maybe it was selfish, actually, she knew it was selfish. because telling him would only be a way to make herself feel less guilty, but at the same time, not telling him was also selfish. it would be selfish in the way that she didn't want to see him hurt. how could she bear to see him hurt? after everything, she couldn't hurt him. he gave her food, a house, nice clothes, gifts, love. he gave her everything, she _couldn't_ hurt him. 

so she decided then, paul wouldn't know. it would be a secret, a secret that she knew for a fact would eat her up alive, but she knew it would be better than telling him. he'd been getting angrier lately, and she knew it was probably just a phase, but it was a phase she wasn't really liking much so far. she assumed that that's what happened after you get married. you are finally able to show all of the good, the bad, and the ugly. but it's okay, she can deal with a bit of ugly. that's what marriage is for anyways, sticking by your partner through everything.

she shakes it off. no matter how badly she felt, paul couldn't know. it was a one time thing. it would never happen again. she would never see this man again. _it was a one time thing._

* * *

alex karev walked out of the room with his head down low, focusing on leather shoes he spent a crap ton of money on. he felt guilty. his wife had cancer and was currently in remission, and all he can do is go off and screw someone.

but he felt guilty for cheating on his wife, and for finding the woman that he cheated with hot. that was the worst feeling of all. that after everything she was just as attractive to him as she would've been if he wasn't married. how messed up was that?

he wasn't this guy anymore. he had hardly looked any other woman's way since he had been with izzie. how could he? she was perfect. she was beautiful and kind and funny. and he loved her. so how could he just throw all that away like it was nothing?

but he knew he couldn't tell her. she didn't deserve the pain that it would bring her. she had been through enough in her life. she had just beat cancer for god's sake, with a five percent chance of survival! she was so fucking strong. he admired izzie. she fought like hell and she pulled through. she didn't deserve to take another hit. especially not one front the husband who promised to love her and stay loyal to her through everything.

for better or worse. in sickness and in health. thats what the vows were right? so why the hell couldn't he do one god damn thing in his life right? why couldn't he keep the most important promise to the woman he loved? was he really that screwed up? was he really that terrible? why did he always have to screw himself out of everything good? and this time, he _literally_ screwed himself out of it.

alex shrugs off his thoughts as he makes his way to his room on the seventh floor, quickly taking a shower and brushing his teeth, styling his hair to the best of his ability with the small amount of gel he had left, he made a mental note to pick some up when he got back to seattle. he made sure to use extra deodorant and the tiniest hint of a cologne he had for special occasions, the last thing he needed was robbins smelling any leftover alcohol on him. he would never get on her good side then.

he changes into a pair of black slacks and a button up white shirt. he tries to put on a dark blue tie but ultimately gives up after a multitude of half assed attempts, shoving it into his pocket gruffly. usually meredith did them for him.

he grumbles something incoherently under his breath as he grabs his phone from his nightstand, where he plugged it into charge a few minutes before. he shoves the device into his pocket as he makes his way out the door, immediately bumping into the last person he wanted to see at the moment.

"karev!" arizona chirps, her voice not only happy and cheerful, but loud too, making alex internally wince. he didn't need more loud noises right now, he had just popped a couple of aspirins and was still waiting for them to kick in.

but still, he forces a crooked half smile, "hey robbins." alex knew he needed to be on her good side. he had been getting really interested in peds lately, but arizona didn't think he would be good in it, meaning she was still skeptical. but he loved it. it was so... _intense_. and hardcore. heartbreaking, at times, of course. nothing was worse than losing a child patient, but that only made the successes that much more valuable.

with peds, he felt something. he liked to get to know his patients and make up random handshakes with them. but he didn't like kids though. don't think he did. he _definitely_ didn't. he just admired those kids in the peds ward. they were all fighters in a fun sized package, and don't even get him started on the babies in the NICU.

those were the hardest fighters in the hospital, no question there. these tiny little lives battled so hard, they fought their absolute hardest from the second they were born, and for that, he had to admire them. how could he not?

the point was that he needed robbins to like him. actually, he _really_ needed robbins to like him, because she was the best, and he wanted to learn from the best. he would do everything he possibly could to make sure he became the surgeon he wanted to be, the surgeon he left iowa to be. he practically had to beg robbins to let him join her, but that was okay, he didn't mind. he was determined. normally a fellow would be chosen to do lectures like these, but the blonde decided that she wanted to have a resident come with her this time, since they had been in med-school no too long ago. she wanted someone who could still relate to the pupils on a personal level. 

arizona takes a glance over at him, her eyes narrowing at him a bit, "you look like crap." she deadpans.

alex purses his lips and runs a hand through his hair, temporarily forgetting that he had gel in it, which causes his finger to get stuck in a strand, making him wince as he pulls it through. "didn't sleep too well."

which was a lie. which made him feel guilty. he didn't necessarily feel guilty about lie, he felt guilty that his lie wasn't true. which he supposed, was the point of a lie... but still. the truth was, he couldn't remember the last time he had slept that well.

he shakes off his thoughts, thanking the universe the arizona looked to believe him and gives him a nod of understanding before she rattles on about her speech.

it was a one time thing. it would never happen again. he would never see this woman again. _it was a one time thing._


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> think we all need a bit of cleansing after tonight's episode...

**_~*~_ **

**_"lost a couple of pieces when i carried it, carried it, carried it home."_ **

**_~*~_ **

_"it was only a one time thing."_

____

i promise you, it was only supposed to happen once. i swear. it was something that was going to be pushed into the back of their minds, buried deep so they would never have to think of it again. it would be a long forgotten memory that would fade away as time went on, eventually becoming something that would become a minuscule blur. it wasn't supposed to happen again.

but it did.

**______ **

_at first, the memories from the night before came back to her slowly, starting at first in tiny little flickers, like a light switch turning on and off._

_on._

_and off._

_on._

_and off._

_on._

_off._

_on._

_off._

_on._

_off._

_it was mainly just her remembering bits of their drunken conversation at the hotel's bar. she was able to remember laughing. there was a lot of laughing. and... tears? oh, her fake ones. she used the fake tears on him. weird... but alright. there was talking to each other, lots of talking about only god knows what._

_then it was flirty glances. it was her, an occasional peer over her vodka tonic as she sips it, using the tiny colorful straw to swallow. it was him, keeping his eyes locked on hers as he downs his beer or occasional shot of tequila with ease. she didn't know how long it took for them to get to how drunk they were, but she was guessing a few beers and a fair amount of shots._

_then it was the way he pulled her into the hotel room, dragging her by the hand as she had to jog to keep up with his drunken speed. she feels the explosion of fireworks go off in her body, not missing the way their hands fit together so easily as they stumbled down the hall._

_once they're both inside the room they waste no time in attacking each other's lips. as soon as she feels his lips on hers she lets out a moan, giving him the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth, which he gladly takes. his hands glide down from her back, one resting on her hip and the other right above her ass._

_and then... everything came back._

_the way he's skimming his thumb over her skin makes her feel like a fire was set to her skin, suddenly finding the heat to be too much. without pulling away from his lips she tugs at his shirt, hoping to god that he would know what she wanted him to do. thankfully he does, and he starts to pull it over his head, tossing it aimlessly behind him somewhere. the feeling of his lips being away from hers for too long makes her reach back up to him and wrap her arms around his neck and pull him down to her, which he responds to just as eagerly. somehow the heat radiating off him turned her fire like skin to a blazing flame._

_she feels his hands roam her back once more, eventually coming across the zipper, stopping his lips motions for just a moment, silently asking if it was okay to continue. she gives him a small nod before pressing her mouth to his once again, feeling the way her body practically melts as his right hand unzips the dress smoothly, making it fall to a puddle at her feet. she steps out of the shoes and the dress, making her realize she was shorter than him then she anticipated._

_she presses her body tightly up against his, roaming the man's bare chest as he makes his way down her neck, attacking it with needy kisses, biting and nibbling at spots that made her tremble. when he feels her shiver over a certain area he blows on it, his cool breath making her nearly collapse onto her knees. he decides to tease her more, gliding his tongue over the spot before sucking on it mercilessly._

_"_ _oh god." she moans, gripping at the man's biceps as she furiously tries to regain her breath. since when the hell had that spot been there? why had she never known it was there before?_

_she wasn't sure how long he spent painfully teasing when she finally pulls away breathless, determination shining brightly in her eyes, clouded by a gaze of what could only be described as pure lust. "bed. now." she demands, her voice out of breath._

_he smirks before lifting her up like she was as light as a feather as she wraps her legs around his waist, giving her the advantage point of being higher than him as she swoops down and captures his lips in hers. his tongue explores her mouth like it was a desert he couldn't get enough of as she runs her nails up and down his chest, causing him to let out a deep groan into her mouth, making a whole new wave a pleasure wash over her as the vibrations ring throughout her body._

_somewhere along the way they find their tongues in a furious battle, fighting for dominance. his tongue eventually wins, her moans making it harder and harder to fight and succeed. he tosses her onto the bed effortlessly, not missing the way she lets out a small giggle as she bounces up and down a few times, his eyes roaming over her near naked figure like she was the finest work of art he'd ever seen._

_and from there on is where she loses any ounce of the small amount of control she had left. the way his hands unclasp her bra and slides down her panties effortlessly, his eyes looking over at her each time to make sure she wanted him to continue. the way he holds her gaze as he does so, making her shiver and ache all over._

_it was the way he kissed_ **_every single inch_ ** _of her naked body mercilessly, making her squirm and moan, the teasing just becoming too much for her to handle._

_it was the way he made her feel a pleasure she had never felt before, caressing her, kissing her, nibbling on her collarbone, forcing her to bite her lips before she could scream out._

_i_ _t was the way her cries of pleasure filled the quiet space alongside his groans as they moved together, barely ever letting go of the hold on each other's lips, as if everything would shatter around them if they were to break their lustful contact._

_it was the way she feels her nails claw at his back as she presses her shoulder blades into the bed underneath her, while he never fails to make her gasp as he does things to her she didn't even know were possible._

_it was the way how at the end of it all, he held her so comfortingly, so... lovingly. like she was the only thing that mattered in the world. she nuzzled up against his chest as he wrapped an arm around her waist. one hand found its way onto his slightly sweaty chest and the other somewhere in his short hair. she turns her body towards him, finding a way for her to get more comfortable as she begins to drift off, just like the man next to her._

**______ **

for him, it was too much. remembering the night before was like torture. pure 'burn in hell and feed to me to wolves' torture.

he had had good sex before. and great sex, hell, even amazing sex, but last night? last night was _the_ best sex he'd ever had, and that was wrong in more ways than he or the dictionary could describe. 

the way they moved together, like it was a dance that they had practiced and practiced time and time again until it was perfection. the way she made him feel...

_alive._

never before had he ever felt so alive. and of course, he felt the shame, the enormous amount of shame that was coursing through him at the thought of this woman, making him feel things he had never felt before. he's able to remember feeling intoxicated, but not by the alcohol, no, by _her_. her breaths, her moans, her gasps of pure ecstasy. it was like last night, she was a drug he just couldn't get enough of, no matter how much of it he took.

he wants to stop these feelings.

he wants to create a magic switch that would simply turn all of his sexual feelings off. everything would be so much easier. 

but he blames it on the alcohol. he tells himself it's just because he was drunk off his ass. because, sex was always better when you're drunk right? right.

just remembering the sounds she made caused him to feel hot. the way his skin brushed on her's, which seemed like it was made of silk...

_stop_.

he couldn't do this. he was married. very married. to a woman he loved more than life itself. and she was married too, to a man he supposed she loved more than life itself.

what they did was wrong. so, so wrong. ethically, morally, whatever kind of 'ally' word there was wrong.

but last night didn't feel wrong at all. in fact... all it felt was _right_.

so that's why, at the end of the night, they had found themselves in a breathtaking kiss, letting their inner fires burn with a passion they never even knew they held before.

_oh, it just felt so right._


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! this book won't be updated for a couple weeks, just as a forewarning. i'm gonna try and focus on getting as many chapter pre-written during my break, so yeah!

_**~*~** _

_**"i'm afraid of what i am, my mind feels like a foreign land"** _

_**~*~** _

_alex walked with robbins down the hallway, the blonde reciting her speech for the third time that day, looking to the resident for approval, her eyes silently asking him for any feedback he might have. she wasn't normally nervous about these kinds of things, but she felt that the fact that she was speaking to med students held a greater responsibility. these students were the future of medicine. they hadn't experienced the loss of a patient yet, or the crying sobs of parents when they had to be told that their child didn't make it._

_the med students were... bright and shiny. they saw everybody in a higher place in their careers as practical gods. so, while she still had the chance, she wanted to root into all of these young minds that no matter what anyone said, peds was hardcore. it wasn't 'babysitting' like she had heard so many of the residents and interns call it._

_peds was undoubtedly the hardest specialty. maybe not skill wise, but definitely emotionally. only the people with grit could survive peds. they worked on kids. maybe that meant that there was an everlasting sea of hope surrounding the patients, where they still were able to believe that the magic the doctors gave them could make them better._

_but, it was known for a fact that losing a kid was worse than losing any grown adult._

_a young life, taken from the word much too soon. it was cruel. so, so cruel. what had this young person done to have its life taken away? what about all the horrible people in the world who walked around free, living their lives? the rapists, the killers... why did they get to still be on the earth while a tiny human wasn't. it was messed up._

_but that's why peds was tough._

_because, while losing a kid was probably the worst feeling for a surgeon to go through, a success was so much more appreciated when it was one. the fact that they saved a person who had barely even got to live their life yet was the reason why arizona became a pediatric surgeon. because of what she was able to do, this person would get to grow up, fall in love, make bad choices, do things they knew for a fact they would regret later on. and that was truly all she could really ask for._

_she was starting to see it in alex too, the peds glow. she didn't want to admit it out loud, for she knew that he would let the cocky part of him show and give her a well thought out retort. but lately, she'd been watching him, realizing that he was indeed serious about peds, that it wasn't just a lame middle school dare that he arranged with his fellow residents._

_she saw the way his face would light up when a kid would say 'dr. alex!' so excitedly as he entered a room. she watched how he would spend time getting to know his patients, so that way they would have something to talk about later on if it was necessary. she was starting to see that maybe, just maybe, alex would make a fine peds surgeon._

_"so..." she trails off, looking at the man expectantly, not missing the way he looked distracted as he kept his gaze on his feet._

_he looks up, giving her a reassuring nod. "it's great robbins." he said sincerely, making her let out a relieved breath. she knew how honest karev could be, it was both a strength and a fault. he always told things as they were and didn't sugarcoat anything. if he thought something was crappy, he would literally tell you, "it's crappy," and that was something she appreciated._

_she casts a worrying glance over him, his head hung low as the look in his eyes seemed to show that he was somewhere else. "you okay?" she asks._

_he nods, snapping back to reality "yeah. just thinking."_

_"well, you know what you need to do right? you're like my assistant alex. click the computer's button when i need the next slide, interject when i ask you to..." she trails off, praying that he wouldn't mess this up._

_alex gives her a signature glare, a bit offended that the blonde was doubting his abilities. "of course i can. a twelve year old could do it." he retorts, rolling his eyes._

_he gives in, "fine." she walks down the hall faster, not even waiting for the man to catch up to her before she enters through the auditorium's doors, settling in the wings backstage._

_i_ _t was a few minutes later when arizona is introduced, him trailing behind her like an obedient little puppy as she stands by the podium and microphone._

_"hi everyone! i'm dr. arizona robbins from seattle grace hospital," she starts in a chipper voice, already managing to wake up most of the somehow tired students. "and this," says, pointing over to the man at her right, "is my mentee, dr. alex karev."_

_the man grins at the words, a sense of pride coming over him. the blonde and never used that term on him before and he wasn't going to lie, he really liked the sound of it._

_"alex?" she nods towards him, telling him to introduce himself. he makes his way up to the mic, adjusting it slightly so it would reach him better, since the blonde was much shorter than him._

_he takes a breath, trying to calm the nerves building in his stomach. he'd always been too cocky and arrogant for his own good, though it was all just an act. talking in front of all these wide eyed med students was honestly a bit terrifying. he pulls himself together quickly, mustering up one of his famous smirks as he looks into the crowd. "hey, i'm dr. alex karev, third year surgical resident at seattle grace, interested in pediatrics. i train under dr. robbins." he explains (incredibly) lamely, but was glad it seemed to be enough, since all the students looked satisfied with his answer._

_arizona takes the mic again, starting a speech that he had heard a few times by now, but it had never failed to give his heart another strong tug towards specializing in pediatrics. "peds is hardcore." she starts, using the phrase he had heard so many times in the last three months. "don't let anyone tell you otherwise." she smiles, looking back towards alex with a knowing look in her eyes._

_"to most of the people in this room, when you think of peds, you think of kids with runny noses and cuts on their forehead because they fell off the slide at the park. am i right?" she asks, making most of the students in the audience nod._

_"you see yourselves as being babysitters, babysitters for tiny humans. well let me tell you, you can't be further from the truth."_

_"in peds, we save the lives of children. we help kids grow up, achieve their dreams. sure along the way there's the added bits of magic and joy, but it's not always sunshine and rainbows." she says, not missing how some students look down guiltily. "some people immediately want to go into peds when they start their internship. they think that working with cute little kids would be so amazing and working with them would be a breeze, well, they're wrong._

_"peds is only for the hardcore. the elites. many people aren't strong enough for peds. some can't deal with losing kids as easily as they thought they could. losing kids takes a major toll on you. we ask ourselves all the time -when we see stuff in the news or online- what did these kids do to deserve the hand they got? they're just kids. why did they get shot the jerk of a man who lives next door?"_

_i_ _t was only the start of her speech -that had multiple parts-, but alex knew she already had everyone hooked._

_"losing kids is something you never get over. don't think that losing a kid gets easier every time it happens. in fact, sometimes it's just worse. because you feel guilty. you feel guilty at the fact that you couldn't save this child. you feel guilty at the fact that you couldn't save their life..." she pauses for a second, looking over at alex, letting him know it was his turn to speak. "and now i'm going to hand it over to doctor karev." he was still a bit newer to the world of surgery, so he remembered better what it was like to be a med student than she did._

_alex takes a breath, going over the speech in his head. "losing a kid is nothing like losing an adult." he starts_

_"some of you think that it's the same, some of you think that it's drastically different. but the only real similarity is that someone didn't make it."_

_he scanned the crowd, proud at the fact that the audience seemed entranced by what he was saying._

_"the first kid i lost i was in my fourth month of my internship. i had been on my third peds rotation, but hadn't had a loss yet, which is a bit surprising." he lets the memories flood through him, reliving it, feeling that pain in his heart._

_"i remember the day like it was yesterday. i had a couple of free minutes -a major rare as an intern- so i lied down on a gurney, and started eating a bag of chips. a few minutes later i got paged to the trauma bay. it was a three car pile- up freeway. the first ambulance unloaded a woman, emily smith, a thirty three year old female, the second, james smith, a thirty five year old male, and the third was the one i took with my attending, four year old melissa smith."_

_he bites his bottom lip, knowing he had to be in control in his emotions. even three years later it still affected him the same way it did that day._

_"melissa was a little chatter box, talking my ear off as we rolled her into a trauma room. talked about her dog named fluffy, her favorite barbie movie, -princess and the pauper-, and even told me about her new toy horse 'shiny sparkles mchoof the third'. don't know where she got "the third" from but..." he trials off, earning some laughs from the audience._

_he smiles his crooked grin, feeling a little bit more at ease. "melissa was strong. real strong. she had a broken arm and leg, not to mention, a lot of internal bleeding, and yet she only shed a couple tears. she was too excited to talk about fluffy and how she taught him how to roll over earlier that week."_

_"i thought melissa was gonna be okay. i thought 'she's talking, she's laughing, she'll make it'. i learned that day that you can't assume things." he says, glancing down towards the podium for a quick second._

_"melissa didn't survive surgery. my attending had me break the news to the parents, which i found stupid because i was just the intern who was supposed to send them updates, but i did it anyways."_

_alex lets out a shuddering breath, the students in the seats sitting at the edge of them, feeling the hurt of the story as if they were there themselves._

_"telling family member's that their brother or mom or dad or whatever didn't survive already sucks. but telling a parent that their kid... their child didn't make it? it's terrifying." it still hurt him to this day. these children were their flesh and blood, products of their love for one another, how do you just simply tell them that the person they loved most in this world was gone?_

_"melissa fought during surgery. she fought tooth and nail, but unfortunately, it just wasn't enough. but how are you supposed to tell that to a parent? it's hard, because as a part of peds, you need to be good with parents as well."_

_he inhales sharply through his nose, letting a thin breath through his nose. "the cries i heard from the parents that day made me want to quit." he tells the crowd_ _honestly, making them widen their eyes. "i'd lost patients before that and it hurt like hell. but the day i told the smith's that we lost melissa... it seriously made me question my idea of being a surgeon."_

_"losing a child is something you never get over, whether you're a parent like the smith's, or just a doctor like me and dr. robbins, losing a kid is not something you aren't able to just move on from, even if -like i said- you're just their doctor."_

_his eyes glance over the crowd, surprised to see tears in a few of the student eyes. 'that's a bit weird', he thinks. "i wasn't lying when i said that i questioned my career as a surgeon after melissa. i was seriously considering quitting."_

_"but after a while of brooding, i decided that i wasn't going to quit. if anything, i was going to try my hardest to make sure that kids like melissa wouldn't have to go through the same thing, that's when i got interested in peds actually, but the attending i had at the time was..." he makes a face, trying to refrain himself was saying 'dick', "not my favorite. so, it wasn't until more recently when i got the opportunity to explore pediatrics again."_

_he sucks in a breath, "all of you guys right now look terrified." he says, speaking the truth, everyone in their seats looked like a cross between they'd just seen a ghost and someone told them their dog had died. "and you're probably wondering why the hell i just said thing that would make you want to do the exact opposite then go into peds." alex says, causing the crowd to nod._

_he chuckles softly, "well, all of you guys should be upset, you should be terrified, because that's what peds is. you're terrified every second of every day. but only the best, like dr. robbins, are truly able to handle that kind of pressure."_

_alex cracks a small grin, " so long story short... if you're a wuss, don't go into peds." the audience laughs and starts to clap as arizona makes her way back to the podium, going into the next part of her speech._

* * *

_they can feel their eyes on each other, the fires in their stomachs growing from the stolen, forbidden glances. it was so wrong of them to be thinking about the night before. wrong to feel like it was what they had been waiting their whole lives for._

_how he touched her..._

_how she touched him.._. 

_they way their bodies melded so perfectly together, like two puzzle pieces seemingly snapping into place._

_somehow along the way they had inched closer to each other, going from opposite sides of the room to a mere ten feet away. she sipped her nearly full vodka tonic slowly, a large comparison to the night before._

_he drank his beer smoothly, only on his first bottle and not even halfway through it._

_before they knew it their eyes were communicating, what could only be described as lust, desire, and wanting burning so intensely in them they could set a man on fire._

_she reads his dark brown orbs, not even needing to look into them long before she knows what he's thinking, and she knows her eyes are reading the same thing too._

_t_ _hey can feel the guilt through their stares. they were trying so hard not to, resisting so fiercely. tugging themselves away from the pull that was trying to bring them together. they tried to put last night behind them, convince themselves it wasn't as breathtaking as they remembered. they tried to push it into their brains, tucking into a small sealed box in the corner to never be seen again._

_l_ _ust_

_passion_

_romance_

_they feel it oozing from their bodies, pouring out of single a stare, no matter how hard they try not to. they try to tear their eyes away from each other, oh i promise you, they try to peel their eyes away, they try not to think about it._

_he doesn't try to think of her silky skin and the way it smelled like vanilla._

_she doesn't try to think of the vibration he sent through her body then he groaned into her mouth._

_but they just do._

_he can't help the way he thought of her lips and how they tasted like a cherry red lollipop._

_she can't help the way she thought about how his lips tasted like spearmint gum... so fresh, so god damn sexy.  
_

_they knew that they couldn't, that they shouldn't._

_but the heart wants what the heart wants. and their heart? all their hearts wanted was for them to let the waves of pleasure flow through their body again, which only came from each other, nobody else._

_nobody has made him feel the way she did. not the countless number of nurses, interns, coworkers, and previous classmates. not even his own wife._

_nobody had ever made her feel the way he did. not any previous ex-boyfriends, not a couple random hot-as-fuck one night stands. not even her own husband._

_so, somehow, without even knowing it, they ended up where they were now, an abandoned hallway on the seventh floor where he was staying, lips locked in the fiery throes of passion._

_gasps escaped her lips heavily as she feels a wave of ecstasy roll over her, even more so than the night before. turns out kissing each other was even better sober than drunk._

_he tries his hardest to keep his groans at bay, but the way her hands are roaming his chest, just barely skimming his pants, makes it more than difficult._

_before they are about to step into the room she pulls back unexpectedly, giving him a perfect view of her red swollen lips and slightly disheveled hair. "we shouldn't" she whispers softly, her eyes telling a completely different story than the words coming out of her mouth._

_"we shouldn't" he agrees, his voice the same as hers._

_"it's wrong."_

_"really wrong."_

_her eyes bore into his, trying so hard to pull away, but she can't, like some magnetic force is keeping her gaze from wandering anywhere but his deep brown and green eyes._

_"we're married." she speaks, sigh falling from her lips heavily as she licks them, savoring the taste of them. they tasted like him._

_"we're married." he repeats._

_"to other people."_

_"to other people." he breathes, just the sound of his voice making her heart rate pick up._

_she lets out a loud sigh, fighting every internal battle. her head telling her it was wrong. but her heart telling her that nothing was more right. "screw it." she says so softly he almost misses it._ _he doesn't even have time to comprehend her words before he feels her lips of his._

_and that's how they came together for the second time, it being even more earth shattering than the last._

_the first time they could blame it on the alcohol._

_but the second time...?_

_**the second time was all them.** _


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoy this chapter where jo becomes 'jo' in the weirdest way...

**_~*~_ **

**_"silence ringing inside my head. please carry me, carry me, carry me home"_ **

**_~*~_ **

the first time... it was the alcohol.

the second time... it was a choice.

the third time...

_the third time was a habit._

it was the last night of the medical conference and the two lay in alex's big bed together, him running his fingers through her hair and untangling the knots delicately, making sure not to tug on the strands. she was drawing shapes on his bare chest, studying the way it would flex unconsciously as she ran over certain spots with the tip of her finger.

she had her head nestled on his bicep, while his was leaned back against an overly fluffy cased pillow.

through their nights together they'd grown close, forming a... _bond_ of sorts. he somehow opened up to her about his past and so did she, and ever since then they saw each other in a new light. it was like they could relate to each other on a more personal level.

they knew that their 'relationship' had progressed quickly, they _knew_ , but they supposed they had already crossed enough lines. talking with each other was just so easy.

it also made conversation flow a lot easier. after yesterday, they both mutually agreed that if they were going to be adulterous whores together, then they needed to know more about each other than their names and what makes the other person moan it.

like now, for example.

"mmm, middle name?" brooke asks him, causing the man to scoff.

his face squirms up as he answers her, "michael." he says with disgust. it wasn't the worst name in the world, but really? michael? of all the middle names he had to get stuck with michael?

"that's not bad." she says, placing a small kiss on the side of his chest. "nothing is worse than my middle name."

the response seems to make alex perk up, a mischievous smirk she had gotten to know all too well the last three days playing on his lips. "what's your's?"

she shudders at the thought, pretending to gag. "josephine."

alex begins to laugh loudly, brooke slapping him in the chest in the process. "jerk!" she shrieks, not being able to hide her own grin.

his laughing dials down fairly quickly, taking a good look at her. "josephine...jo." he mutters.

she raises a quizzical brow, trying to figure out why he had just shortened her middle name, "huh?" she asks, her nose scrunching up.

"you look like a jo. not a josephine, but a jo." he says, making her tilt her head to the side.

"are you saying i don't look like a brooke?"she questions, making him nod his head furiously.

"yes."

she smiles at him, a glimmer of playfulness shimmering in her eyes. "well then, call me jo." she whispers.

alex looks a bit taken aback by her answer, "what?"

she shrugs her shoulders, "call me jo then." once she realizes alex doesn't really get where she's coming from, she explains. "my husband calls me brooke. you can call me jo as like... i don't know, a nick name?" she felt guilty in a way, that alex moaned her name, brooke, much like paul did. it was wrong, to have her ... _whatever alex was_ , say her name in the same way her husband did.

alex looks uncertain by her answer. he gave a girl a name once before and look where that got him. "it's not that weird. my friend's name is ruth but we call her emily because that's her middle name. the only people who actually call her ruth are her parents and family members." she says.

alex scrunches up his face, "well i don't blame her. her name is ruth. your name's nice, i just... don't see you as a brooke."

"my point." she sits up looking into his eyes, which shined with seriousness, yet playfulness. "it's literally exactly like a nick name. so, just call me what seems more natural, jo or brooke."

alex doesn't look fully convinced. "the last time i gave someone a name she ended up having a hysterical pregnancy and tried to kill herself in my friend's kitchen. not to mention she peed all over my friend's couch."

he was expecting the girl to look terrified, but instead she bursts into a loud fit of laughter, clutching her stomach as she bends over, wrapping the blanket around her middle as she does so. he eventually ends up joining her, finding it so easy to laugh and be himself around the woman he had only known for a mere three days.

"jesus," she smiles, making his heart beat a little bit faster at the sight. "well, i can guarantee you that i wont't have a hysterical pregnancy, try to kill myself, _or_ pee on your friend's couch. i'm pretty freakin amazing if you ask me." she giggles, twirling a strand of hair around her pointer finger dramatically.

he grins slyly, sitting up from his previous laid down position, taking a hold of her by the waist and bringing her back down with him, the woman letting out a joyful squeal, "i'll say," he smirks, bringing her into another kiss, making her moan at the unexpected contact.

the kiss wasn't very long, it was short and gentle, almost as it was a _habit_ they had been doing for so long. it had only been three days, yet they had already seemed to know everything about each other. physically, that is.

he knew that kissing the little beauty marks she had on each side of her pelvic bone drove her absolutely crazy. she knew that his sweet spot was a crevice on the right side of his neck, about a half of an inch down from his ear and closer to the back of his neck than the side of it.

there was an area he discovered which had been able to calm her down almost immediately. it was about an inch up from where her hair began at the nape of her neck. he learned that if he soothed over that part with his thumb he could help her fall asleep or get in control of her breathing quicker. 

she learned that rubbing a thumb by his ear was an easy way for him to get immediately calm, which she usually did while they charged in between rounds of hot, sweaty sex.

it was so wrong, so unconstitutional that they could say they knew other's bodies so well. he could tell you how many beauty marks she had on her back (fifteen) and she could tell you that running a single fingernail down the right side of his spine drove him insane.

like i said, it was so wrong how much they had gotten to know each other in a matter of three days.

but learning about each other seemed so easy, so casual, so stress free. there was something special about the two of them, other than the out of this world sex they had. they seemingly got one another without trying, like they understood each other's pain. which, in a way they did. they knew what it was like to be bumped around homes, never receiving love from anyone. they knew what it was like to fight like hell for something and not get anything in return. they'd never quite met someone who was so similar, yet so different from them.

he looks into her eyes once more, beginning to crack the smallest of a smile, "are you sure you want me to call you jo?" he asks.

"yep." she chirps. "i did go through a whole hating-my-name phase for like, the last year and a half of high school and had everyone call me jo, so a couple of old friends i talk to every now and then still call me it." she whispers as she begins to kiss down his neck, alex groaning at the contact.

he chuckles softly, gently taking her chin a making her eyes meet his. "you are full of surprises aren't you." he whispers against her lips. she purposefully ignores that way her heart beats faster in her chest, tingles shooting through her body as she hears his husky voice speak so delicately.

"just trying to keep you on your toes..." she trails off, feeling the way he grins against their lips, pulling her into another searing kiss.

"fine... jo."

_and i suppose, that's how she became jo._

* * *

an alarm clock rang out, breaking the two from their deep sleep. they woke up the same way they did three days ago, a mess of tangled limbs and small unconscious smiles. alex groans as he rubs his hands over his eyes, the previous dim moonlight from a few hours before already having faded into a bright yellow as it pours through the windows.

the way they fit in each other's arms so perfectly was something neither of them had expected. the way how three days ago, they woke up so confused and uneasy, but now? three days later? nothing seemed more right than to wake up in the arms of one another. 

what they were doing was what most would deem a disgrace. a disgrace to marriage. a disgrace to vows. a disgrace to themselves. but honestly, it was hard to see what they were doing as a disgrace, no matter how much they knew it was. how could they when it felt so right?

but today, it would end.

today, he would get on a plane and go back home to seattle. he would go home, back to his wife.

she would get on a short train ride back to her home, a large house not far from the university where her husband taught at. not too far from where the university she attended was. located she would go home, back to her husband.

the little bubble they were in would pop. it was inevitable. the rooms they shared and enjoyed one another in would just become a standard hotel room, used by countless other people doing similar things to what they had done.

nobody would know about the vows they broke. nobody would know about their adulterous ways. nobody would know anything. it was a secret. a secret they would carry to their grave. a secret they swore themselves to. they were married. they wouldn't screw themselves out of what they had, the one good thing that they considered good in their life. they were married to people they loved. 

it was their secret. a dirty secret, yes. but a secret nonetheless.

it was sex. their secret was sex. hot, sweaty, passionate, mind-blowing, sex. but still. it was only sex.

and late night talks.

and ordering beer and room service at any hour of the day.

and endless teasing and mocking until one of them had tears streaming down their face from laughing too hard. 

it was a friendship.

was that the word maybe? but sleeping with a friend? that was more like friends with benefits. whatever. they just... lost themselves a bit.

he was in a whatever place. she was in a whatever place. they were two whatever placers seeking and longing for each other. someone to get them, to understand them. and they did. 

_whatever._

they would keep this secret. it wouldn't happen again.

"what time is it?" he asks, his voice barely audible since his face was smushed into her bare shoulder.

she lets out a yawn, eyes blinking open to look at the clock, having to readjust her vision more times than she'd like to count. she mutters something incomprehensible, causing her to feel his face twist into some sort of gesture into her shoulder blades. "what?"

"nine thirty eight."

alex groans loudly, obviously not happy at the fact that he would need to get up soon. instead of doing what he was supposed to -start packing up his stuff- he beings placing tiny kisses on her neck, making her squirm.

she lets out a giggle (where the hell did that come from? she never giggled), a small smile gracing her lips as she feels his lips make contact with her neck again and again and again. she thinks maybe it's harmless at first, but quickly realizes it wasn't when he begins to kiss harder on the spot he discovered that first night.

a deep sigh escapes her, biting her bottom lip harshly to stop her from making any more noise. she swears, she never knew that that spot even existed until he found it.

quickly getting fed up with the teasing (she had no self control around him, don't judge her) she turns around to face him and smashes her lips onto his, feeling the smirk that had begun to form at the sudden contact.

"stop that."

"stop what?" he asks, feigning innocence as he begins pressing another kiss to her lips.

"stop smirking." _asshole._

"but it's what i do." he replied smoothly, making her let out a low chuckle.

she pulls away from him, making his face contort into one of displeasure. _tease._

his breath fans over her lips, goosebumps spreading all over her body as he rests his forehead against her's. "you have a flight to catch soon." she states, alex letting out a dissatisfied groan. 

he flops back against the pillows dramatically, the white comforter flying up around him as he does so. he squints his eyes shut, realizing how that he was directly staring into a sun's ray. he shuts his eyes tightly, trying to ignore the yellow he still seemed to see. "i don't wanna." he pouts, reminding her of a little boy who was told he had to go to school, no matter how much he begged not to. 

she cracks a small smile, trying to contain it as quickly as it appeared. he seemed to make her do that a lot, smiling that is. she couldn't remember the last time she smiled so wide or laughed as hard as she had this past weekend. "mmm, i bet." she clicks her tongue, pulling him up from his lied down position by his arm with a moan of protest coming from alex. "but... doctor robbins will probably kill you if you're any more than a second late. plus you have your... you know..." she trails off, their cheerful, joyous mood tumbling down in an instant. 

so much for that. 

"yeah," he says softly, so softly she doesn't even know if he knew she heard it. but him, he wasn't sure if his words were meant for her or himself. 

he did have a wife to get home to. and yes, he did miss her. a lot actually. he missed her laugh and her smile. he missed her bubbly voice of excitement when she realized things were getting easier and easier for her to do. he missed that. he missed her. 

but the way he felt with b- _jo_ was something else. it was this... burning passion. this, intense hunger, this need for her. it was like hearing her moan his name and feeling her highest point of pleasure run over her made him feel something. a fire of his own. a special blaze to his skin. an increase to his heart rate. it was practically better than his own release. 

god, when he was with her he felt _everything._

he loved izzie. more than life itself. but jo, jo made him feel something he never thought was possible. he thought couples were exaggerating when they would say that they couldn't keep their hands of each other. he thought it was a joke when people talk about lust burning from the pits of their stomach. because sure, he'd definitely seen a girl, wanted a girl, took a girl home and did the whole she-bang, and he supposed that was an act of lust. but this was different. she was different. he hated when her lips weren't on his. actually hated it. all he wanted was to kiss her. again and again and again. he felt sparks fly out of him every time their lips connected, a weird feeling he didn't quite know how to describe. he loved how she tasted. she was intoxicating. it was like she just pulled him in. 

she loved her husband. a lot. he was kind and charming and funny. he treated her with gifts and luxuries, no matter how many times she insisted on it otherwise. he was as smart as a whip, which came in handy for when he would help her study. she missed him. 

but the way alex made her feel was... _extraordinary_. she thought that it was all a myth, a made up fairytale in books and movies. meeting the person that makes your skin turn into flames, the person that sends pleasureful shivers down your spine just by the sound of their voice. well, it turns out it was real. really fucking real. all she wanted to do was kiss him and feel him. she wanted to feel the way his muscles contracted when her hand ran down his chest. she wanted to feel _everything_. 

and god, they both knew it was wrong to feel so passionately about someone who they weren't married to. they knew it, and the guilt about it was eating them up from the inside out. they were better people than this. but they tried so hard to stop. they tried so hard to resist one another, but they eventually lost. 

lust was a cruel emotion to play with. no wonder it was considered one of the seven deadly sins. it was a cruel monster that disguised itself in the throes of pleasure. 

alex pulls her in for another kiss knowing that if he did they would probably end up together one more time. 

and so they did. their bare bodies flushed against one another, her curves sculpting perfectly into him as their hands roamed the other's bodies. nails grazed their skin as they danced a dance they had nearly perfected by now. there were gasps and moans and groans. they were taking advantage of the time they had left. it was hot and dirty at some points, and slow and sensual at others. he would kiss up her leg and her side until he met her face, which was usually hot and burning red from trying to keep composure of herself. 

their hands worked miracles on the other, making them grip onto things in an attempt to make sure they didn't completely lose themselves when the passion got to be too much. 

what a beautiful ending to something the world would deem so ugly.


	6. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoy this little filler!

**_~*~_ **

**_"i've spent all of the love i've saved. we were always a losing game."_**

_**~*~** _

she probably should've left after their rendezvous in the comforters, but she didn't. instead, she lay on the wide open bed sprawled out over the covers, dressed and ready for the day as she asks him random questions just to annoy him, which she knows he secretly enjoys. (the tiny smiles he would let sneak past his lips didn't go unnoticed by her. he was quite horrible at trying to convince her that he didn't enjoy it.)

"why can't chickens fly?" she asks thoughtfully, pursing her lips, making him stop in his tracks as he puts his toiletries in his suitcase. that was definitely the weirdest question she had asked yet. and trust him, she'd asked a lot of them. 

"umm, because they're too fat? i don't know." he answers with a shrug of his shoulders. he didn't know why the hell chickens didn't fly. all he knew was that their wings were useless. 

jo looks unamused with his answer as a frown begins to form in her face. "but why? the universe gave them wings, so why not the opportunity to actually use them?" 

alex thinks over the answer for a second, shrugging his shoulder as he puts more things in his bag. "dude, i don't know. you're the one in med school. go ask a teacher. or google. google has the answer to everything." 

she furrows her eyebrows, reaching behind her to grab a pillow, which she successfully tosses and it hits his face. she lets out a loud laugh as the pillow makes a _thump!_ sound as it hits the floor, alex sending her a glare she had gotten to know all too well these past few days. "you act like i'm in high school." she huffs, crossing her arms over her chest and frowning as she narrows her eyes at him. 

"i would hope you're not. otherwise i'd get arrested." he says gruffly, finding a loner sock in the bathroom and tossing it into his suitcase aimlessly, nearly missing the destination point as it hangs over the side of it loosely. 

"asshole. i'm twenty-three." she bites back. 

"exactly." he says. "you're a fetus. you're a young, tiny, innocent fetus." he pauses for a second, "well, maybe not exactly the innocent part." he grins coyly, earning another pillow to the face. 

she scowls at him playfully, a small smile gracing her lips. "shut up. and you do realize you're not much older than me right?" she flops back against the pillows, liking the _poof!_ sound it made whenever she hit the confronter beneath her. it was settling, so much so that she did it again and again. sitting up and them flopping down. sit up, flop down. sit up, flop down. to say it annoyed him would be an understatement. 

for someone who wasn't a high school student she sure as hell acted like one sometimes. \

most of the time. 

all the damn time. 

"still. _you_ are in school. ask a teacher, they probably know. or ask google, _like i said_. they seem to have the answer to everything." 

jo blatantly ignores his answer, lost in her own world as she begins to ramble on, a trait he found out she did often. on most people he would find it annoying, but for some reason it suited her. "but it's so cruel." she pouts, narrowing her eyes and glaring at the blank TV screen. "i mean, they have all these bird friends and they see _them_ fly in the sky, and all they wanna do is fly too but they _can't_ because the universe gave them crappy wings that can't hold them up. it's crappy. the situation's crappy. chicken's deserve better." she says in one breath, sinking into the pillows behind her once she was done. 

he looks at her for second before bursting into loud laughter. she seemed to have that effect on him, making him laugh at the most unconventional of times. "you think chickens deserve better?" he asks incredulously after he calms down from his laughing fit, a wide grin on his face as he looks at her. 

jo blushes and looks away, feeling the heat rise from her cleavage to her face. she truly didn't know where the hell that rant came. she purses her lips and crosses her arms over her chest. "y-yes." she stutters out, trying not to launch into another long monologue. she could go on for days about how the poor, innocent, annoying cluckers got delt crappy cards. 

"oh, i get it." he says, suddenly laying down on the empty spot next to her. "the chicken is you, and the wings are mothers. you're wondering why all the other people -birds- have wings -mothers- but you don't." 

she stares at him, mouth agape. was that what she was thinking? she'd never put that together before. was she doing it without even realizing it? "n-no." she stutters out lamely. that would be crazy right? comparing a bird and wings to herself. that's just.. sad. not to mention pathetic. who the hell compares themselves to flightless birds? pathetic people, that's who. she wasn't a chicken, she was a... a fucking unicorn! 

  
"please. i'm the king of euphemisms." he smirks, tossing a shirt into his suitcase as he stands form his position. he looks up to meet her eyes, which were wide. "you didn't know." he states, jo nodding in response. 

he shrugs nonchalantly, "well, congrats on knowing it earlier than me. i didn't figure out the weird shit i said was just me reflecting on myself until last year." he gives a half hearted attempt at a grin. it was true. it wasn't until a patient pointing it out actually (who he thought was kind of crazy), so he supposed he couldn't give himself much credit. 

jo pinches her eyebrows together, biting her bottom lip in concentration. "i just compared myself to a chicken." she says abruptly, making him let out a snort. 

  
"that you did." 

she suddenly stands up from her spot on the bed, hands flying around like a mad woman. "who the fuck compares themselves to a chicken!" she shrieks, sounding so serious alex was trying not to burst into a laugh right then and there.

"you." he deadpans, unable to stop the wide smirk that spread across his sharp features. she was too easy to mess with sometimes. 

she throws him a sharp glare, taking off her flat from her foot and hitting him right in the chest, picking it up and slipping it back on after. he winces as he rubs the spot, making sure no shoe prints got marked on him. he wouldn't know how the hell he would explain that to robbins. i mean, 'oh no, i'm fine, just got trampled by a single shoe' was a bit of a hard thing to believe. 

"no, but... that's just weird." she says, crossing her arms over her chest once more as she looks out the window, taking notice of the light bits of snow falling from the sky. she didn't know why she expected otherwise. it was november after all. she'd practically grown up in boston, she knew the reasons like the back of her hand. 

he nods. "it is." 

jo watches as the snow falls. it was so pure. she used to consider herself pure. well, not really. she lived in her car and had gotten kicked out of so many foster homes she lost count. but she did always think she still had that shred of innocence left in her, the girl who looked for the good in everything, despite her normally pessimistic thoughts. now, now that little bit of purity was shattered. 

she cheated on her husband. 

and the worst part? she enjoyed it. not the fact that she was cheating, god no. the guilt was all consuming, a torturous monster that she truly just wanted to stab to death with a sword as she watched it bleed out. no, she felt guilty at the fact that she couldn't get enough of the sex.

no man had ever made her feel the way alex karev had in the past three days. never in her life. she'd had random hookups that she met at bars who were quite good, and not to mention her husband, who she would used to compare to god in bed. but now... now she wasn't so sure. 

it was like he knew her. it was like... he knew exactly what to do to push her over the edge, something she had never experienced before. god, she felt so dirty. she wanted to just hop in the shower and scrub every reminder of alex off her, but at the same time she just wanted to _do_ him in the shower. 

shaking away her thoughts, she looks back at him, noting how he also seemed to be lost in his mind as well, staring at the snow. 

he notices her eyes on him, so he just lets his mouth tumble out the words flying through his brain. he didn't feel the need to hold back around jo, something he didn't know he was missing until she came into the picture. 

"it doesn't snow very often in seattle." he says, watching as the white flakes trickle down to the sidewalk, some sticking to the window as they let the wind move them in whatever direction it pleases. 

"we get a lot of rain, but not a lot of snow. to be honest, it snowed more in iowa." she nods at his words. she'd known snow all her life. she grew up on the east coast and never left. she liked the white fluffiness that would make tiny piles outside her bay window in the study, something she had since she moved in with paul. 

she grimaces slightly, "do you ever get annoyed with the rain?" she asks softly. 

alex nods furiously, a silent chuckle escaping his lips. "all the damn time." he whispers, taking a seat on one of the chairs the room housed. 

"then why'd you move there?" she asks curiously. surely he knew how much it rained in seattle. practically babies did. 

"i got accepted to seattle grace. no way in hell would i give up a chance to train at one of the best hospital's in the world because of the weather." 

she nods, settling into a comfortable silence with him as they focus on the snow. that was something they both enjoyed about each other. there was no pressure to fill the noise. they could sit in silence and be okay with it. 

the snow falling was like them, having to leave this hotel room. here, they were able to attack each other's lips with all they had in them, no matter how wrong it was. the snow hitting the ground was like them needing to leave the four walls. it was them having to face and come to terms with their actions. 

so for the moment they sat silently, just trying to savor the last few moments before their life would probably turn to shit. 

they weren't telling anybody, god no. but the overhanging cloud of guilt and shame above their head's already made it a little bit harder to carry on. 

some say the guilt is the ultimate punishment, worse than death or anything else. 

and at that moment they couldn't agree more. 

* * *

they sit for a while longer, just watching the city of boston get covered in white. it was settling, calming in a way they didn't know they needed. 

he would miss talking to her. which was a stupid thing to say. a really stupid thing to say actually. but it was the truth. he had never found himself opening up to someone so easily. for once in his life he wasn't given eyes of pity when someone hears his sob story he called his childhood, instead she just understood. she knew what it was like to grow up with basically nothing and make themselves into something, trying to be better than their parents, even though she never knew her's. 

it was refreshing, talking to someone without having to worry abut being judged or labeled as something he used to be. he wasn't a foster kid anymore, nor a little boy who had to take care of his younger siblings from such a young age. he wasn't the twelve year old boy who had to practically raise his little sister. to her, he was just alex. the guy who she cheated on her husband with (he wasn't proud of that part), the guy she talked until three in the morning with. the guy she ate a shit loud of pizza with. he was just a normal guy with a crappy past.

she would miss talking to him too. with alex, talking was so natural. she didn't need to think, she didn't feel the pressure to say the right thing in hopes that she would be seen as more than what she had been told she was all her life. 

but she would miss him holding her. 

a lot. 

when they laid in bed, he would wrap his arms around her and pull her in close. she swore, she had never felt more safe than she did while nestled in his chest as his fingers wove through her hair. it was such an intimate embrace, and they knew they shouldn't be doing it, but hell, they'd crossed the line that first night. why not be a bit more reckless? the only people feeling the pain would be them. and if a few hours of them taking away each other's pain would mean that there was more added on later, then why the hell not? 

they didn't want to say goodbye. not just because they were screwing each other, but because they had made a friend in one another. 

so with that thought, without looking away from the window alex sticks out his palm to the side, not far away from jo, "hand me your phone." 

she quirks a quizzical brow at him, "what?" she asks, turning to face towards him from where she was sitting on the miniature table. it was a small little thing, but she petite herself, so the table acted like a stool. 

he simply only raises his eyebrows and she gets what he means. she cracks a small smile, happy that he didn't want their newfound friendship to come to an end either. she learned over the years that losing a relationship was okay, it would take time to heal, but you got over it. a friendship was something you never ultimately forgot about. he and alex weren't by any means in a relationship, but it was safe to say they had become _really_ good friends. 

she walks over to the bedside table, grabbing her phone and unlocking it, a new pang of guilt shooting through her at the sight of her lock screen. it was of her and paul a few months ago, a couple weeks before he proposed. they looked really happy. she was smiling wide and he was pressing a kiss to the side of her cheek. she shakes off the feelings, opening the contact app for him to fill out with his information. 

"put your name down as alexandra." she says adamantly, alex glancing up with a look of displeasure. 

"what?" last time he checked his full name was alexander, not a chick's name. 

"he might get suspicious." she shrugs her shoulders, taking his phone from his hand and filling out the little lines of information. 

he rolls his eyes, he thought it was a bit excessive, but he did kinda of get where she was coming from. just _alex_ could be a boy or a girl. "fine, then you have to be joseph." he answers, smirking triumphantly.

she scowls, begrudgingly typing out joseph onto the screen. "you better not fucking call me that asshole." she mutters, earning a light laugh. nobody ever really called him stuff like 'asshole' or 'dickhead' without using it as an insult. it was actually pretty funny when it wasn't being used condescendingly, he learned. 

"as long as you don't call me alexandra we have a deal." he shakes his head. "i already know an alexandra. dated one, but we call her lexie." he mumbles, more to himself than to jo. a small laugh is heard in the room after his words, alex cracking a small, barely there smile. they eventually stand up, knowing that now was the time. if they delayed it any longer than he would miss his flight, and that was one thing he couldn't do, because that would mead to questions from robbins, which would lead to questions from izzie, which would lead to the truth coming out. long story short, he couldn't miss his flight. 

alex and jo stand in front of each other, staring into each other's eyes. 

should she kiss him? as a goodbye? 

as if he hears her thoughts he's stepping closer to her, raising one hand to her cheek, his eyes looking a bit conflicted as he stares at her. he takes it as a sign that she doesn't pull away and begins to lean in, making her shiver all over as she feels his breath fan her face. their heart rates pick up simultaneously in their chests, a feeling that hadn't faded over the past three days. 

after what seems like hours their lips finally connect, taking in their taste for the last time. the fire burns in their stomach's, but this time they put it aside. if they took it any further, they knew that they would end up in the throes of passion once again. 

they pull away at the same time, him reaching down to grab the handle of his suitcase as he walks out of the door with her, who only has her small clutch in her hand. he shuts the door behind them, staring at her once more. 

"goodbye jo." he says, beginning to turn away. 

"goodbye alex."


	7. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hate this, but i hope everyone enjoys! 
> 
> tw// domestic violence/ abuse.

**_TW// domestic abuse_ **

**_~*~_ **

**_"small town boy in a big arcade. i got addicted to a losing game."_ **

**_~*~_ **

alexandra

you do realize how crazy that sounds right?

_j_ _oseph_

_it's not crazy at all if you ask me._

alexandra

jo, asking for lollipops for your christmas present sounds very crazy to me.

and christmas isn't for like, a while.

_joseph_

_dude, christmas is in two weeks and one day_

_and plus, i'm settling on lollipops. what i really want is a pony, a shiny, pretty one with rainbow hair, you know those? that's my dream right there_

alexandra

oh crap really?

yeah yeah, ha ha. laughing so much right now.

_joseph_

_hate to break it to you, but it's the 10th alex._

_and i know, what a shame i wont be able to have my pony. it was at the top of my list this year_

_next to an ice cream sundae the size of manhattan, obviously._

alexandra

very funny. can't you tell how much i'm laughing.

crap, got to go, robbins is letting me in on an esophageal atresia on a newborn. i'm her favorite you know. 

_joseph_

_ugh, lucky._

_make sure to kick ass and not kill anyone. that would suck. actually... your big head could use some ego deflating. make sure robbins has to save you halfway through. maybe then you'll earn some humility._

alexandra

wow, you're such great help. so nice too.

_joseph_

_you know it ;)_

she turns off her phone, a small smile on her face as she looks out the window, passing by houses that all looked exactly alike; white exteriors with a bright green lawn. the only thing that could help someone tell them apart was the door colors. her and paul had just come back from a dinner with some of his coworkers, but he wasn't talking to her so she decided to text alex. the silence in the car was tense, though she was unable to grasp the reason why. 

they'd been texting non-stop since the conference three weeks ago, talking about each other's days, complaining about annoying coworkers and classmates. they really enjoyed having a friend they could just talk to because they felt like it. it was refreshing. they'd never had anyone like that before. in the past they had friends that they felt comfortable around, but it was different when you had someone who understood you so well. not to mention, being able to make self deprecating jokes about their crappy childhoods and receive a laugh in response was so much nicer than the pity stares they were both so used to getting, 

she snaps back to reality at the sound of the engine turning off, cutting the music as the expensive car door opens. she sees paul angrily walk out of the car, slamming the door behind him, not stopping by her side of the car to open the door for her like he normally did. (she was actually thankful for that. she was a grown women, she could open a damn door herself)

_weird_ , she thinks, but decides not to question it. her husband had been a bit more moody and temperamental lately, so she supposed it was just that. but the dinner seemed to go really good in her opinion. she got along with his colleagues and paul certainly enjoyed himself, getting to be around all his coworkers and interact freely. she liked to think that his colleagues liked her as well. they complimented her all evening and included her in all of their conversations. though, she did wish that they would've referred to her by her name more, rather than 'mrs. stalder' or 'paul's wife.' 

she gets out of the passenger side and shuts the door behind her, walking up to the steps after she hears that paul had locked the car. she places the small clutch she had on the entry table and walks to the kitchen, seeing paul sitting at the kitchen island, nothing in front of him except tea that he had heated up in the minute or so he'e been in there. she kisses his cheek and starts talking, knowing that it would probably help calm whatever he was feeling. 

she gives him a smile, rubbing his shoulder affectionately. "it seemed like the dinner went really well, all of your coworkers are super nice and-"

"you talked to steven too much." he cuts her off, sending an icy glare her way, and look she had never seen on him before shining darkly in his eyes.

she cocks her head to the side, "huh?"

he stands up from his place abruptly, making her jump back slightly. "i said," he spits out, eyes narrowing as he stares her down "you talked to steven too much."

she lets out a loud laugh, thinking that he was just joking around and messing with her. at any second he was going to join her giggling, ignoring the way his eyes had only seemed to darken the second the sounds had escaped her mouth."oh, that's funny." she says in between laughs, eyes shining with childish glee. "jesus you really scared m-"

_pain._

her words get cut off by a fist coming directly into contact with her face.she feels the stinging sensation burn from her eye to her cheek, her brown eyes watering with tears as she realizes what had just happened. she lifts a palm up to touch it protectively, almost making it seem like it was more real if she touched it.

oh god, it hurt. it hurt like hell. his gold wedding band adding to the impact was sure to leave a scar by the corner of her eye. she'd been punched before, multiple times actually by foster parents and girls while she was in high school, but this hurt so much more. it was so much harder than she'd ever been hit before.

her husband just hit her.

"oh brooke, baby." paul says, taking her into his arms and brushing her hair back immediately, trying to get her to relax into his embrace. "i just got so mad. you just made me so mad brooke. you can't make me mad like that" he tells her, eyes dripping with some kind of emotion she can't place as he places light kisses on top of her sea of brown curls, ignoring the way the way she stood stiffly in his arms, a few lone tears making it's way down her cheeks. 

"i love you. you know that brooke" he whispers, wiping the tears from her face, his hands feeling usually rough against her skin, his touch not easing over the bruise that hard already begun to form. 

she nods. it was okay. he loved her. he didn't mean it. he just got angry. it was okay. it was fine. he loved her, it was okay.

she thought she probably deserved it. after all she'd cheated on her husband just three weeks before, and had continued to keep in contact with the man she had cheated with. it was only karma. 

"i'm sorry paul." she apologizes sincerely as he cups her face in his hands, giving her a sweet smile. it wasn't his fault. it was hers. it was _her_ fault. 

"it just better not happen again. _"_ he states, eyes burning into hers intently, his grip on her face tightening without her even realizing it. all she really felt was numb, as if all of her senses had seemingly shut down to avoid dealing with the pain that was spreading throughout the side of her face. 

she nods her head up and down as she pulls her back into him. "i'm sorry" she whispers into his chest. 

he smiled. 

_and that's when he knew he had her._

* * *

alex finished scrubbing out of a surgery, shaking off the excess water on his hands, grinning internally. it was always so much better when he was able to help save a kid. the success was just that much more fulfilling. he's about to push the door open when it swings in itself, making him come face to face with cristina, the expression she was wearing was more worried looking than he'd seen in a long time. he'd known yang for a while know, and he knew whatever was about to come out of her mouth would be bad. cristina yang was never worried. 

"what do you want yang?" he asks, noting how she had her hands crossed over her chest and was avoiding his gaze.

"there's a merger happening." she says, looking up to meet his eyes to let him know that she was serious. 

his narrows his eyes, scrunching up his nose. "what?" he questions. a merger? as in, combing two hospitals into one? 

"you just missed the announcement. apparently we're merging with mercy west." the raven head repeats, a slight trace of fear in her voice, a very unusual thing for cristina yang.

he lets out a deep breath, tugging his scrub cap off and running a hand through his hair as he leans over the scrub sink, gripping it so tightly his knuckles begin to turn white. "i can't loose this job yang." he says to her softly, making her nod in agreement.

"you and me both." with that she walks out of the room, alex not far behind her, both of the surgeons heading up to the resident's lounge to change, which was filled to the brim with chatter, all of the doctors talking about the newest topic, the merger.

meredith sits down next to him, slipping a long sleeved purple shirt over her head when she casts a glance to alex, who was sitting still looking down at his phone's empty screen, seemingly deep in thought, almost as if he was waiting for something to magically appear on it. 

the blonde nudges him, snapping him out of his trance. alex sighs, resting his elbows on his knees as he buries his head in his hands. "what am i gonna do about iz?" he asks her, judging by her face that she was drawing a blank, much like him. 

jesus, this was great. these past few weeks he had hardy been able to look his wife in the eye, because every time he saw her he was reminded that he slept with someone else. not to mention, he was just texting that certain someone just a few hours ago. he was really screwed. izzie had currently been home on bedrest, not being allowed to return to work until two weeks from now, which apparently would also be when the mercy westers would turn up. fucking great. he felt as if the universe was rallying against him at this point, no matter how much he knew that wasn't possible. he dug his own grave, it was just a matter of time before he would need to lay in it. 

"she'll be okay." meredith reassures him, but he can tell by the look on her face that she was unsure as well. who knew would end up getting cut? they would need to pull their heads out of their asses and prove that they deserved to stay. none of them could lose their spot. not only because of their job, but also because of the people there. they were a family. they couldn't lose any more of their family. they'd just lost george, and they couldn't lose another. 

"evil spawn, put on a shirt!" cristina yells, balling up a shirt from his locker and throwing it at him, hitting him square in the chest as he glares at her. he pulls on the shirt silently and heads out, not bothering to say goodbye to anybody as he leaves the lounge and heads straight to joe's across the street.

he slides onto a barstool, ordering a beer and thanking the bartender with a slight nod of his head. how was he supposed to tell izzie about the merger? he knew that if his wife knew, she would want to return to work immediately, but he knew she couldn't do that. she was still getting her strength back, and standing around on her feet all day surely would delay the healing process. he couldn't risk her getting hurt because he wasn't able to stop her.

he'd done enough recently, even if izzie didn't know about most of it. the last thing he needed was to cause his wife more harm than he already had.

he was going to tell her, he knew that, just not right now. right now he was going to sit on this uncomfortable wooden bar stool and drink his beer and forget he had any problems. he was going to forget about the merger, he was going to forget about him and izzie going at it twenty-four seven, and he was _definitely_ going to forget about the brunette with a fake name who seemed to be on his mind all the time.

he was just going to forget everything, his only focus being his beer and the football game on the small television above the bar. yeah, that sounded like a good idea. a really good idea. 

* * *

okay, so he forgot about two out of those three things.

he was actually doing pretty good for a while, almost a full hour with nearly a beer and a half finished. all he had been focused on was the seahawks playing against the steelers, with the steelers crushing the seattle team thirty-four to seven. not much of a surprise though, he couldn't remember the last time he'd witnessed the seahawks win. it wasn't that they were a completely crap team, it was simply the fact that one; the steelers were much better this year, and two; he hardly ever got enough time to sit down and watch a game. being a resident drained the life out of him, especially since he had finally knew that he wanted to specialize in peds. when he wasn't at the hospital he was reading up new medical procedures in magazines, or occasionally sneaking over to meredith's to watch old ellis grey tapes. 

he was doing really... until he got a text message from jo.

_joseph_

_how was your surgery?_

alexandra

wow, you must be bored.

_joseph_

_..._

_what makes you say that_

alexandra

really?

_joseph_

_i'm in med school, thank you very much, i happen to be very interested in your surgeries._

alexandra

mhm, sure. 

_ joseph _

_fine, i'm bored_

_entertain me. please._

alexandra

that sounds vaguely dirty.

_joseph_

_oh great. how drunk are you?_

alexandra

what makes you say that?

haha, two can play that game.

_joseph_

_i'm guessing two beers in?_

alexandra

shut up, only one and a half.

_joseph_

_mhm, wasn't too far off_

_but seriously. i'm bored and am in need of anything remotely interesting. you just scrubbed in on a super cool surgery, i want details_

alexandra

fine, baby maria duboir, two weeks old, robbins let me lead the procedure about half way through, coded once, we then shocked her at 150, and now she is stable and in the NICU.

are you happy?

_joseph_

_yes. very much so_

_although i do think your OR stories need work_

_you sound like you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about_

alexandra

wow. you're a real delight you know that?

_joseph_

_oh, believe me, i know. don't even get me started on how many times people have complimented how freaking amazing i am_

_it's quite a common occurrence._

_if i had a dollar for every time someone said that to me, i'd be living on my own private island_

alexandra

i bet you would. 

seriously though, tell me something. i've got nothing better to do than watch the seahawks get crushed. 

_joseph_

_i'm guessing that's sports talk, so i'm just gonna ignore that, since it hate any sport where men look like giant block of cheese, run around a court, or just run in general._

_but today's been boring. went to a dinner tonight. fancy stuck-up rich people who laugh with posh accents and sip their champagne way too slowly_

_fucking turtles._

alexandra

sounds fun.

_joseph_

_you suck. i can literally hear the sarcasm through the phone asshole_

alexandra

that's the point. i'll take a sick kid over fancy dinner any day.

crap, that sounded really horrible didn't it?

_joseph_

_it really did_

_"i'll take a sick kid over a fancy dinner any day" real charming if you ask me. night in shining amour._

alexandra

_yeah yeah you know what i mean.  
_

* * *

they're not sure how long they end up talking for, alex siting at joe's bar and jo lounging on the couch in her living room while her husband was in his study going over and grading tests for one of his classes. before either one of them even know it, it gets to be twelve thirty boston time and nine thirty in seattle. alex's texts had gotten much harder to read, which made sense, considering he was now on his third beer. 

jo teased him about it though, finding it more enjoyable than she would've guessed to text a drunk alex than a sober one. he seemed to get increasingly flirtier the tipsier he got. not to mention, all the spelling mistakes he made was definitely one for the books. she had a feeling that it was getting a but harder for him to see which letters where which, considering a few b's were located where there should be d's, and 'm' where they should be an 'n' 

alex knows for a fact he's earning many stares from fellow people at the bar because of how much he's laughing (loudly too), but he doesn't really care. if he's gonna laugh, he's gonna laugh. all he could really focus on was the fluorescent lights hanging from the bar's wood ceiling and the frankly hilarious texts coming through his phone. (okay, so they weren't that funny, but everything is always a lot more funny when you're drunk) 

jo was thoroughly enjoying herself, laughing more and more as she sank into the couch, completely forgetting about the bruise on her left cheek as she typed away, grinning from ear to ear when the man on the other side responded, words misspelt and random numbers and semicolons popping up from time to time. 

they knew that what they had done was wrong. they knew that what they were doing was wrong. but they couldn't stop. 

_if only they had stopped sooner._


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ignore the fact that chapter seems like it is written by an eleven year old girl. thank you :) also, i know that teddy doesn't come until after the merger, but i'm changing that because otherwise there is no one for cardio

_**~*~**_

_**"oh, oh, all i know, all i know, loving you is a losing game"** _

_**~*~** _

alex karev was having a good day. a really good day actually. izzie wasn't as determined to go back to work as he thought she would be, and didn't try to argue with him when he told her that she needed to stay home. he hadn't seen any bears that morning (those things are freakin terrifying), and he had a small texting session with jo, which inevitably made him laugh as she rambled on about absolutely nothing. yeah, it was a good day, and he just hoped that it would stay that way. 

he walked into the hospital leisurely since he — _for once in his life_ —wasn't late. he stopped by the coffee cart and ordered a straight black coffee, giving the cashier a half hearted attempt at a smile before making his way to the resident's lounge and changing into his scrubs. he felt a sense of calm in him. he knew that something was probably bound to happen at some point, but right now he was going to enjoy the silence of the lounge (a major rare) before the storm hit. because it always did right? that's how it had been his whole life. happy kid, bam, dad starts using. dad starts using, mom's conditions gets worse. mom's conditions get worse, she had more kids. 

he knew it wasn't fair of him to call his little siblings a storm, but in a way they were. it made him have to grow up a hell of a lot younger than other kids his age. so bam, siblings. then he starts his surgical internship, which leads to a crazy amount of drama. he gets married, then cheats on his wife. if you ask him, that was a whole lot of storms. but right at this moment, there was no storm. there was just a guy lying down on a bench as people chattered in the halls. a guy with his eyes closed as he lets his mind go completely blank, not thinking about anything at all except the white noise he seemed to hear. 

it was peaceful, he couldn't remember the last time he wasn't worried about his wife or his friends. right now it was just him, not worrying about anybody or anything, not even himself. he just relaxed and let the white noise take over. 

but of course, moments of calm must come to an end. his pager breaks him out of his state, rubbing his eyes before finding doctor robbins, who was paging him to the PICU. 

"what happened?" he asks a nurse, pulling on a pair of gloves as he entered the room of jeremy thomas, a six year old who came in a few days ago after he had fallen out of the tree he was climbing, a not so rare occurrence in peds. he had some internal bleeding that they were able repair and a minor concussion, but otherwise seemed to be doing fine. until now that is, his monitors seeming to be beeping out of control in the otherwise quietness of the sterile four walls, nurses rushing in to help. 

he watches as arizona brings two different ultrasound machines into the room, immediately paging cardio as alex tries to consult the crying parents, leading them out into the hall and onto chairs, giving them reassuring words as he makes his way back in, robbins looking up at him immediately. "his appendix burst." the blonde says, not having time to say more as doctor altman enters the room, performing a cardiac ultrasound, pursing her lips as she analyzes the screen. 

"we missed it before, but he tore his aorta. it was too small to see when he first came in, but we need to get him up to the OR right now." she states, already unlatching the wheels of the bed as she shouts orders to nurses, letting them know that an operation room needed to be prepped and ready for them. they roll jeremy up to surgery, scrubbing in as quickly as they could before beginning the operation. he watches as the two women stick out their hands, taking a deep breath before they begin. 

"ten blade." 

* * *

"suction! i need suction!" altman says frantically to her resident, trying to stop the bleeder as quickly as she could. alex feels his heart drop at the sight of the kid in front of him. there was so much blood pooling in his chest, and no matter how much suction he knew the scrawny resident applied, the kid was too far gone. he was hands deep in the boys abdomen, helping robbins suture as she looked for any more damage done to the boy. 

when the monitors begin to draw out in a straight line and he hears the cardio surgeon yell _clear!_ he knows that it was a lost cause. they shock the boy three times, teddy letting out a loud sigh as she shakes her head defeatedly. 

"call it karev" arizona says to him. 

alex gulps, this was his least favorite part about being a surgeon, not only calling time of death, but doing it to a kid. and this child was only six years old. he'd never grow up. never go to a high school formal or experience his first love. his life ended because he fell out of a tree. how freaking screwed up was that? 

"time of death, 10:13 am." he sighs, immediately ripping off his gown and gloves, thrusting them into the bin, the attendings not far behind him. he tears his light blue scrub cap off, leaning into the scrub sink as he watches the younger resident close up the patient, nurses cleaning up the blood and lap pads on the ground. alex shakes his head and lets a slow breath escape his lips. he always had to calm himself down after losing a kid, and he's lost a fair amount of them in his nearly four years at seattle grace. it made him mad. mad that the universe could take something, no, _someone_ so innocent from this world while there were people like his dad who were running around free. well, he was free when alex was a kid. maybe jimmy was dead now, who knew. but that didn't change the fact that a kid was dead and awful people were out there, living their best life. 

arizona gives his shoulder a small rub, silently telling him that he did good in there, it just wasn't enough. the three scrub out alongside each other, alex taking in the attending's appearances, arizona looked exhausted and like she hadn't slept in days, while altman, who he didn't know very well, looked stressed. seems like he'd be talking to the parents. 

"i'll tell the thomas's" he says, already beginning to jog down the hall before he sees the taller blonde catch up to him, saying something about how they both needed to be there, big guns and all. when he tells the parents the news he feels the overwhelming urge to just quit again. it happened every time. those cries haunted him. it hurt him when he lost patients, but this was someone these parents loved more than life itself. their own flesh and blood, a product of their love for each other. but he wouldn't quit. he never did. instead, he would work in the skills lab to improve his technique and save more kids. that's what he would do.

there goes his good day. he didn't think it could get any worse, because let's be realistic, what was worse than losing a kid? nothing could make a day more crappy than that. that was until, when he passed by the chief's office to see his wife in a chair, talking to richard webber urgently, almost as if she was pleading. 

he lets out a frustrated sigh, having the urge to punch a wall. of course it wouldn't have been that easy, how stupid of him to think otherwise. he should've known izzie would pull something like this. he knew how much this job meant to her. this was her home, just like him. but he was still pissed. she needed to be resting, she was still too weak to come back to work. 

before he knew it he was barging into the chief's office, startling the blonde, but not so much the chief. he knew alex would turn up sooner or later. 

"what the hell iz!" alex says angrily, glaring at his wife. 

izzie lets out a frustrated sigh. "alex i need to be here." she says adamantly, standing up from her seat and crossing her arms over her chest. she was wearing a long sleeved beige sweater, even though it was hot inside of the office. that wasn't what alex would call being well enough to go back to work. 

"no izzie, you need to go home and rest. you'll be fine." he says, running a hand through his hair as he watches the fire burn in her eyes. crap. he was trying to civil. he even used a softer voice, but yet she just got more angry. 

"how the hell can you say that alex!" she yells, richard leaning back in his chair uncomfortably. he wasn't one who liked to be in the middle of drama. "i'm at that goddamn trailer all day while you're here!" 

he lets out a slow breath, trying to calm his anger. if he didn't, he would snap. and if he snapped, izzie would ban him from the tin can the called their home and he would be forced to spend the night at mer's place, and he definitely didn't want to hear her and shepherd going at it. they were like bunnies, screwing each other everywhere at any time. 

"iz, please. just go home and rest." he pleads with her. he couldn't deal with her getting sick again. he almost lost her last time. she died in his freaking arms. he couldn't go through that again... the helplessness, the pain. he loved her, but she died in his arms. he couldn't lose her. her loved her. he couldn't go through the hurt again, the heartache almost losing her brought on. it was gut wrenching and terrifying, it ate him up inside and loomed in his nightmares. he couldn't lose her, not to this cancer, not again. 

the blonde was about to say something when the chief steps in, leaning over his desk and clasping his hands in front of him, giving the woman sympathetic eyes. "karev's right stevens. go home and rest." 

izzie swallows the lump growing in her throat. she wanted to argue. she wanted to say that she felt fine, that she was ready to go back to work, but she knew defying the chief would only get her in trouble. she sighs in defeat and nods her head, turning to glare at her husband. she was pissed. maybe she could've gotten richard to agree to letting her come back if he hadn't come in. now she would never know (she knew that realistically that wasn't the case, webber had been denying her requests since the moment she stepped though his office doors.) 

she brushes by alex without looking at him, making him sigh as he watches her walk down the catwalk and disappear around a corner. he turns back to the man and gives him a small, appreciative nod. he was too tired to manage a smile. the chief nods back, understanding how he felt. 

he just wanted to go to joe's and have a beer, his crappy day taking a toll on him quickly. arguing with his wife _always_ took a toll on him. it was exhausting. it seemed to drain him inside and out, making his brain lose it's function until he got to state of peace, which only occurred when he had a beer in his hand and was sipping it leisurely, or when he was able to lie down and sleep.

the beer sounded much more appealing, but he still had six more hours of his shift. normally, with the upcoming merger he would make sure to stay overtime, logging extra hours in the pit, scrounging for surgeries, but today he just didn't have the energy. 

he makes it into the nearest on call room and crawls into one of the bottom bunks, setting his pager directly beside him so it would have no trouble waking him up when it went off. he lets out a yawn as he wraps the thin, uncomfortable blanket tightly around him as he drifts off the sleep, hoping to forget about the day he's had so far, even if it's just for a few minutes. 

* * *

when she woke up that morning nothing was out of the ordinary. She could hear the birds chirping their delightful songs, she could feel the duvet pulled up to her neck, and she could tell that paul wasn't in the bed with her. she was used to waking up like this, it was her idea of normal. 

it wasn't until she tried to open her eyes she realized what was wrong. she couldn't open her left one. she was confused at first, until she felt the pain shoot through her body, traveling from her eye to the rest of her body, feeling like how it did when she first received the punch. the memory of last night was a bit iffy. all she remembered was coming home from the party, getting punched, her husband saying he was sorry, and talking to alex. 

that thought brings a small smile on her face, recalling the teasing that had happened the night before. she knew that their... _whatever they had_ escalated quickly. in just a few days of knowing each other, they had learned so much about one another that it seemed like they had been best of friends since they were kids, but hey, if cheating on your spouse doesn't bring you together, what does?

she lets out a groan of pain, wincing as she finally pries her eye open, getting up slowly before making her way to the bathroom, frowning at the sight she saw in the mirror. a dark purple bruise covered her left eye and the area surrounding it. she splashes some cold water on her face, gently patting it with a wet towel once she was done. last night changed a lot of things. something had been in paul's eyes when he hit her, something she hadn't seen before. it was like a billion fires were raging inside of him, and when he hit her, it was the burn. 

but... he seemed _so_ _sorry_ after he had done it. at least she knew better now, he was just a bit jealous. he didn't want to lose her, he loved her. and if that meant he got a bit mad over her talking to his colleagues too much, then she wouldn't make the same mistake again. 

she walks out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, grabbing a pack of frozen peas from the fridge and wraps it in a towel, pressing it gently to her swollen bruise. the cold stings a bit at first, but she sucks it up as she leans against the marble island's counter, watching as the minute hand ticks by on the clock above the random painting her husband had hung on a wall. today she had nothing to do. it was a saturday, so she didn't have any classes, and she didn't have any work to do. no papers, essays, labs... the ultimate rare and what most would call the greatest blessing for a college student, but for her it just meant she had to sit around and watch TV until her husband got home. 

she wanted to feel angry at paul, but how could she? she didn't have the right to be mad at him, she cheated on him. wouldn't that make her a hypocrite, being mad at her husband when she had done something worse? 

she sighs as she sets herself down on the couch, turning on the TV and flipping it to some random channel, settling on a soap opera she had seen a few times play on the screen. her life felt a bit like a soap opera right now to be honest. actually, her whole life had. 

welcome to 'the life of jo, (who's name isn't actually jo, its brooke)'. catchy title right? she thought so too. 

last night, the feeling of paul holding her in his arms no longer made her feel safe. it felt wrong. she just wanted to feel safe again, that was all she really wanted. for him to hold her like a porcelain doll and place kisses on the top of her head. she had always felt safe then. why couldn't she feel that now? 

she just wanted to feel safe again. 

* * *

alex walks out of the hospital, head hung low with his hands buried deep in his pockets, letting out a deep exhale as he watches his feet move beneath him like they were the greatest movie he'd ever seen. anyone who passed by him on the street could probably take one look at him and tell that he had a crappy day. 

he sighs as he contemplates the day he had so far. it was only seven thirty-three, yet it felt like he'd been up for forty eight hours. his quick nap in the on-call room only lasted a mere ten minutes before he was paged to the pit, only to find out that the kid he would be assisting on was a four year boy old with abusive parents. it took everything in him not to beat the shit out of the assholes. 

add that to losing jeremy and izzie drama, he was exhausted. he didn't want to do anything. he wanted to feel at peace. he just wanted a little bit of normalcy, something he knew wasn't even close to possible, especially with his job. 

alex leans against the brick wall in the ally way of joe's bar, pulling out his phone and clicking on the familiar contact. 

jo pulls out her ringing phone, a sigh a relief escaping her lips as she sees the name pop up on her screen. they speak it at the same time, words breathy and tired. 

she says it because she wants to feel safe. 

he says it because he wants to feel normal. 

_"when can i see you again?"_


End file.
